Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa (or any other religous celebration or lack there of) I wish you the best this day.
A little music to celebrate. Thaddeus showed this to a couple of us yesterday and I love it. I've never been hugely found of a capella music however, Thaddeus is part of a barbershop quartet that I found hugely entertaining and he has shown me a couple groups that sound wonderful. This one not only sounds great, they put on a great show.
Since I personally celebrate Christmas I will say, "Merry Christmas to one and all." Especially my family that isn't near me at the moment.
Love you all.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monavie & ACN & BzzAgent & Vocalpoint
Irons in the fire for me.
I love the Monavie brand products and use the gel packets on a daily basis. I am an authorized distributor but it isn't anything I really push on people. At least I don't think so. I am always willing to give friends samples of their new products as they come out. I have a website set up @ http://mymonavie.com/boi if you ever want to look for more information.
ACN - Independent Telecommunications distributor. I have just started in this and it is something that I see great potential for myself in. I have been telling quite a few friends and family members the latest and greatest promotions or phone products for awhile. I might as well be getting a commission on it instead of sending them to a specific dealers store or website. This way I can also make sure that they stay happy with their service. I have my own online website set up for this one too @ http://ludington.acnrep.com
Bzzagent...This is the one that actually made me realize how much networking about products that I already do. This company contracts with product manufacturers to spread the word "or BZZZ" about their products. In return for "bzzing" Bzzagent sends you samples and coupons to help spread the word. They don't expect you to talk about a product that you know nothing about. Campaigns fill up quickly and are based on demographis and region. They wouldn't have someone in the NW bzz about a business that is only located in the SE. If you are interested check them out @ http://bzzagent.com
Vocalpoint...Let manufacturers know your thoughts. Every so often this place does campaigns similar to bzzagents. They also frequently send out coupons for you and friends you choose to give them to. I have had so many that I couldn't list them all. The most recent were for a free box of Rice Krispies for me and $1 off coupons for friends. The local Albertson's had a sale going on the made them about $.50 per box. http://www.vocalpoint.com
Each of the above projects help me feel useful and like I am actually accomplishing something other then "just" being a full time college student.
I love the Monavie brand products and use the gel packets on a daily basis. I am an authorized distributor but it isn't anything I really push on people. At least I don't think so. I am always willing to give friends samples of their new products as they come out. I have a website set up @ http://mymonavie.com/boi if you ever want to look for more information.
ACN - Independent Telecommunications distributor. I have just started in this and it is something that I see great potential for myself in. I have been telling quite a few friends and family members the latest and greatest promotions or phone products for awhile. I might as well be getting a commission on it instead of sending them to a specific dealers store or website. This way I can also make sure that they stay happy with their service. I have my own online website set up for this one too @ http://ludington.acnrep.com
Bzzagent...This is the one that actually made me realize how much networking about products that I already do. This company contracts with product manufacturers to spread the word "or BZZZ" about their products. In return for "bzzing" Bzzagent sends you samples and coupons to help spread the word. They don't expect you to talk about a product that you know nothing about. Campaigns fill up quickly and are based on demographis and region. They wouldn't have someone in the NW bzz about a business that is only located in the SE. If you are interested check them out @ http://bzzagent.com
Vocalpoint...Let manufacturers know your thoughts. Every so often this place does campaigns similar to bzzagents. They also frequently send out coupons for you and friends you choose to give them to. I have had so many that I couldn't list them all. The most recent were for a free box of Rice Krispies for me and $1 off coupons for friends. The local Albertson's had a sale going on the made them about $.50 per box. http://www.vocalpoint.com
Each of the above projects help me feel useful and like I am actually accomplishing something other then "just" being a full time college student.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A Blog on Paper
When I finished my research paper for my English course I thought I was done. A sigh of relief. A weight off my shoulders. Instead I found out the details of our blog on paper that is do with the final portfolio. I can either re-write two papers that I have done or re-write one and do this blog on paper. The first four pages kind of fell quickly into place along with the subject itself. The problem is that I need WORDS. I don't remember how many off the top of my head but way more than I have.
I decided to work based on one of the quotes that I found from the trials of the Nazi doctors. This statement was "The life of an insane person is not in keeping with human dignity."
At one point in my mothers life I would have agreed with that statement. I have never seen the entire movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but I did see some of the scenes. I also saw some of the scenes from 12 Monkeys. These didn't paint a very good picture of mental illness. I saw what my mom was going through and she was no longer a "productive" member of society.
I know that at the end my mother was more coherent and with it than she had been in the previous 25+ years.
More research has shown me that many of our creative geniuses actually had mental illness or one sort or another. So if any one is reading this I would love to know of any works by some of the "mad" geniuses out there.
I am thinking about posting the finalized research paper and the "blog on paper" both here after the term is done.
I decided to work based on one of the quotes that I found from the trials of the Nazi doctors. This statement was "The life of an insane person is not in keeping with human dignity."
At one point in my mothers life I would have agreed with that statement. I have never seen the entire movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but I did see some of the scenes. I also saw some of the scenes from 12 Monkeys. These didn't paint a very good picture of mental illness. I saw what my mom was going through and she was no longer a "productive" member of society.
I know that at the end my mother was more coherent and with it than she had been in the previous 25+ years.
More research has shown me that many of our creative geniuses actually had mental illness or one sort or another. So if any one is reading this I would love to know of any works by some of the "mad" geniuses out there.
I am thinking about posting the finalized research paper and the "blog on paper" both here after the term is done.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Jabberwocky
This poem was mentioned earlier today and has been running through my head ever since.
JABBERWOCKY
by Lewis Carroll
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wade;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree.
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came wiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
JABBERWOCKY
by Lewis Carroll
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wade;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree.
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came wiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
The Soloist
I avoided watching this movie because I figured that it would be too depressing. I was pleasantly surprised with the impact of the movie. Though I shouldn't have been since most of Robert Downy Jr. work that I have seen I have enjoyed.
I used to work swing shift at a convenience store just a few blocks away from the state mental hospital. We had a lot of mentally ill people come into the store. Most of them smoked but couldn't afford a pack of cigarettes so the boss started selling cigarettes individually. We just had to put a health warning on the box that we kept them in. Ten cents a piece and they were usually generics at the time they sold for around a buck a pack. If it wasn't cigarettes they were after it was the cheapest booze available at the time.
Mad Dog 20/20 and Schlitz 40 oz bottles were the preferred drink of choice there. Unless it was a couple of kids trying to get away with a twelve pack of budweiser. Some of the customers were more memorable than others. There was one gentleman who always came in for Mad Dog and two cigarettes. He was usually polite but the stench of stale alcohol and cigarettes just permeated the air anywhere within ten feet from him. I am sure he was homeless but at eighteen I figured it wasn't my place to ask about that or his mental condition. I also wouldn't have known what to do about either issue in any case. The best I could do was to be polite but firm with the customers when the situation called for it.
Another was a female that would come in for between one and five cigarettes depending on how much change she could scrounge together. She wasn't always nice and in fact could be downright fractious. Her mental illness was obvious but I think looking back at it that she lived in a group home like my mother ended up in. She was always clean but again the pervasive odor of stale cigarettes was always there.
So other than my experiences with my mom I had had previous experiences associating with people with obvious mental illness and hadn't really seen anything positive result.
Back to the movie review:
Robert Downy Jr. and Jamie Foxx star in this extremely moving movie. Mr. Foxx's portrayal of Nathanial Ayer was so on spot that I found myself cringing in several places. The plight of the homeless, just like racism or any other issue, is very emotional and you can ignore it right up until the moment that a personal face is put to it. If a movie like this can make more people look at both the mentally ill and homeless people in a different light that I would say it has achieved it's goal. The scene where Lopez gives Nathanial the bass and Nathanial plays it off to the side of traffic and then you see the birds fly up is both visually and audibly effective in touching the soul.
I strongly recommend this movie to anyone that likes either of these actors or is in the mood for a very nicely down drama.
You can rent it from your local video store, redbox, or netflix. I have included a link to Amazon.com below. I find that if I want to purchase a dvd or book Amazon has the best prices and I have never had a problem with their customer service.
I used to work swing shift at a convenience store just a few blocks away from the state mental hospital. We had a lot of mentally ill people come into the store. Most of them smoked but couldn't afford a pack of cigarettes so the boss started selling cigarettes individually. We just had to put a health warning on the box that we kept them in. Ten cents a piece and they were usually generics at the time they sold for around a buck a pack. If it wasn't cigarettes they were after it was the cheapest booze available at the time.
Mad Dog 20/20 and Schlitz 40 oz bottles were the preferred drink of choice there. Unless it was a couple of kids trying to get away with a twelve pack of budweiser. Some of the customers were more memorable than others. There was one gentleman who always came in for Mad Dog and two cigarettes. He was usually polite but the stench of stale alcohol and cigarettes just permeated the air anywhere within ten feet from him. I am sure he was homeless but at eighteen I figured it wasn't my place to ask about that or his mental condition. I also wouldn't have known what to do about either issue in any case. The best I could do was to be polite but firm with the customers when the situation called for it.
Another was a female that would come in for between one and five cigarettes depending on how much change she could scrounge together. She wasn't always nice and in fact could be downright fractious. Her mental illness was obvious but I think looking back at it that she lived in a group home like my mother ended up in. She was always clean but again the pervasive odor of stale cigarettes was always there.
So other than my experiences with my mom I had had previous experiences associating with people with obvious mental illness and hadn't really seen anything positive result.
Back to the movie review:
Robert Downy Jr. and Jamie Foxx star in this extremely moving movie. Mr. Foxx's portrayal of Nathanial Ayer was so on spot that I found myself cringing in several places. The plight of the homeless, just like racism or any other issue, is very emotional and you can ignore it right up until the moment that a personal face is put to it. If a movie like this can make more people look at both the mentally ill and homeless people in a different light that I would say it has achieved it's goal. The scene where Lopez gives Nathanial the bass and Nathanial plays it off to the side of traffic and then you see the birds fly up is both visually and audibly effective in touching the soul.
I strongly recommend this movie to anyone that likes either of these actors or is in the mood for a very nicely down drama.
You can rent it from your local video store, redbox, or netflix. I have included a link to Amazon.com below. I find that if I want to purchase a dvd or book Amazon has the best prices and I have never had a problem with their customer service.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Polls on the right side of the blog
I have placed two polls on the right side of the blog. There is one poll if you are from Greg's Eng 102 classes If you are from any of his classes except 3:40 please mark the 2:40 class. I went to fix that and since someone has already voted it would let me edit it. There is another on NAMI and whether or not you have ever heard of the organization before.
I would appreciate answers on both of these since they are actually there as part of the blog assignment. I have one more poll that I will need to post but I haven't figured out what it should be on yet. If you have any suggestions please feel free to comment with them.
Thank you,
Ann
I would appreciate answers on both of these since they are actually there as part of the blog assignment. I have one more poll that I will need to post but I haven't figured out what it should be on yet. If you have any suggestions please feel free to comment with them.
Thank you,
Ann
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
NAMI - Boise Walk October 3, 2009
This year I volunteered at the NAMI - Boise Walk. It was two weeks before mom's memorial and this is one way that I felt that I could honor her memory. I am actually hoping that our family will all be able to walk at different NAMI events over the next year.
I helped greet participants and direct them to the right lines for registering and signing in. As much as I really wanted to just sleep in that morning I got up and headed out the door and for once I remembered my camera. So I thought that since a picture is worth a 1000 words I would just post some of the pictures I took at the walk. I took over 100 pictures but here are a couple of my favorites.
The Start and Finish Line before everyone arrived:
t-shirts for volunteers
Signs patiently waiting for their walkers.
The Idaho Steelheads were there to start the walk off right...
...and high-five the walkers as they finished.
A couple of cuties that were out enjoying the day.
I really enjoyed being out there for this walk and look forward to finding more ways I can help NAMI. I talked to a couple of other volunteers and they were all volunteering because a member of their family had mental illness. If I had thought about it that day I would have interviewed a couple of the walkers but at the time I hadn't decided on my research essay.
I helped greet participants and direct them to the right lines for registering and signing in. As much as I really wanted to just sleep in that morning I got up and headed out the door and for once I remembered my camera. So I thought that since a picture is worth a 1000 words I would just post some of the pictures I took at the walk. I took over 100 pictures but here are a couple of my favorites.
The Start and Finish Line before everyone arrived:
 |
| From Nami Walk 2009 |
t-shirts for volunteers
 |
| From Nami Walk 2009 |
Signs patiently waiting for their walkers.
 |
| From Nami Walk 2009 |
The Idaho Steelheads were there to start the walk off right...
 |
| From Nami Walk 2009 |
...and high-five the walkers as they finished.
 |
| From Nami Walk 2009 |
A couple of cuties that were out enjoying the day.
 |
| From Nami Walk 2009 |
I really enjoyed being out there for this walk and look forward to finding more ways I can help NAMI. I talked to a couple of other volunteers and they were all volunteering because a member of their family had mental illness. If I had thought about it that day I would have interviewed a couple of the walkers but at the time I hadn't decided on my research essay.
Annotated Bibliography: Risk Factors for Homelessness among Women with Schizophrenia
This is an annotation for one of the articles I will be using in my research essay.
Caton, Carol, Patrick Shrout, Boanerge Domingue, and et al. "Risk Factors for Homelessness among Women with Schizophrenia." American Journal of Public Health. (1995): 1153-1156. Print.
(Caton, Shrout, Domingue, and et al 1153-1156)
An examination of mental illness among homeless women. The median age of the women was 43. Most of the women had less than a 12th grade education. Comparisons are made between similar women who have homes and are homeless. The homeless women tended to lack the familial support. This article appears to be dry facts and numbers but, statistics can be important. There is a similar report on men and I will compare the details in both of these
Caton, Carol, Patrick Shrout, Boanerge Domingue, and et al. "Risk Factors for Homelessness among Women with Schizophrenia." American Journal of Public Health. (1995): 1153-1156. Print.
(Caton, Shrout, Domingue, and et al 1153-1156)
An examination of mental illness among homeless women. The median age of the women was 43. Most of the women had less than a 12th grade education. Comparisons are made between similar women who have homes and are homeless. The homeless women tended to lack the familial support. This article appears to be dry facts and numbers but, statistics can be important. There is a similar report on men and I will compare the details in both of these
Monday, October 26, 2009
Nurture Strength of Spirit
After reading my blog my Aunt in AK sent this to me. I like it...So does the teenager since we are at the point where we rarely agree on anything this is a nice moment while we wait for our power to go out. Winds are a blowing...
".....Nuture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
Max Ehrmann (1872-1945 A portion of his poem Desiderata)
".....Nuture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
Max Ehrmann (1872-1945 A portion of his poem Desiderata)
Papa Ray
Before my mother passed my most recent experience with a loss in the family was my Papa Ray. He passed away in May 2007. Between him and my mom they are the only reason that some members of that family were still communicating. My grandmother is the last true link that would cause the siblings to have a conversation. I have a feeling that most of those conversations aren't going to be to civil if past experience is anything to go by.
Here is a picture of one of the men that I am proud to call Papa (grandpa).
As I was driving over to Oregon to see him the last time by way of Salt Lake City I took this picture at Shoshone Falls. He was in hospice at that point and we pretty much knew it was down to hours/days. It was actually a nice experience (at least as nice as death can be) for me since even though Papa was in a coma when I say him I was able to curl up next to him (he chose to be at home in his own bed) and talk to him and tell him about my life and daughter. This was one of the times that I regretted living so far away. Not that a 8-9 hour drive is insurmountable but you do forget that the people that you love wont always be there.
When I got home and started looking through some of the pictures this one really comforted me. When I found the quote it was exactly what the picture called for.
Here is a picture of one of the men that I am proud to call Papa (grandpa).
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| From I was I am I will be |
As I was driving over to Oregon to see him the last time by way of Salt Lake City I took this picture at Shoshone Falls. He was in hospice at that point and we pretty much knew it was down to hours/days. It was actually a nice experience (at least as nice as death can be) for me since even though Papa was in a coma when I say him I was able to curl up next to him (he chose to be at home in his own bed) and talk to him and tell him about my life and daughter. This was one of the times that I regretted living so far away. Not that a 8-9 hour drive is insurmountable but you do forget that the people that you love wont always be there.
When I got home and started looking through some of the pictures this one really comforted me. When I found the quote it was exactly what the picture called for.
 |
| From I was I am I will be |
Sunday, October 25, 2009
NAMI Family to Family
NAMI has been around for awhile now. Unfortunately for myself and my family we were unaware of it's existance. As I mentioned in a previous post I only found out about them on the same day I found out my mother was terminal. I really believe in signs that point you in the right direction. So when a friend that I work with at Idaho Botanical Gardens happened to have this really cool drinking container with NAMI imprinted on it. I asked her what it stood for and she explained it. I said that sounds cool and not five minutes later I got the call about my mom.
After I got off the phone with my mom and aunt I asked Jenny for more information about NAMI. She told me about the walk that they were doing in October and I told her I would definitely have to sign up to volunteer for it.
Well with my mom passing I kind of forgot about it until I went to BSU's Volunteer Day. A lot of organizations that need volunteer help and students can get service credits for it. I stopped at one of the booths and we got to talking and he mentioned that he had promised NAMI to get some volunteers. I asked him to give them my contact information and got signed up.
I will do a separate blog post about that walk in a little bit.
Here is a video with a little bit of information about NAMI's family-to-family program. The title of this blog post will take you directly to their webpage.
After I got off the phone with my mom and aunt I asked Jenny for more information about NAMI. She told me about the walk that they were doing in October and I told her I would definitely have to sign up to volunteer for it.
Well with my mom passing I kind of forgot about it until I went to BSU's Volunteer Day. A lot of organizations that need volunteer help and students can get service credits for it. I stopped at one of the booths and we got to talking and he mentioned that he had promised NAMI to get some volunteers. I asked him to give them my contact information and got signed up.
I will do a separate blog post about that walk in a little bit.
Here is a video with a little bit of information about NAMI's family-to-family program. The title of this blog post will take you directly to their webpage.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Blogging can be addictive
Even with the thought that no one will be truly reading this page (except those in my Eng102 group). I actually find that I want to post my thoughts and reflections. I have tried keeping journals or diaries in the past and I find that after about a month or so I just have this desire to get rid of the evidence. This usually involves fire and burnt paper.
My mom's memorial was this last weekend and it actually made me realize that there are members of my family that I loathe. My sister who didn't even bother showing up. Which was truly a good thing since her children who are all living with different family members want nothing to do with her. My aunt who every time I approached her during the service went the other way. For now let's just say that she said some words while my mother was dying and the only reason I didn't slap her face was because of my brother's feelings for her. My uncle who I can't decide if he is just a moron or if he feels that he is the only person that can be right. I refused to talk to him after he said the he hadn't told me something that he had. After that I sent my "demand" in writing.
I feel the worst for my grandmother. That same aunt that I wanted to slap turned all of her children, and nieces and nephews away from her with lies and half truths. Yes my grandmother divorced my grandfather (Papa) (this was after my mom's mental illness was diagnosed, I did mention that it can tear families apart.) Yes, the old lady started seeing her old boyfriend (I guess they were engaged before she married Papa). No she didn't "steal" all his money. Yes she kicked my aunt out of the house that Gma got in the divorce. Since the aunt wouldn't pay her rent I would have done the same thing. I also wouldn't take it upon myself to paint the house I was renting from somebody or tear out the fireplace and replace it with a wood stove, not without at least getting written permission.
Of course this is the same aunt that sent panicked letters out to everyone in the family (including those that were still young children) telling them that Papa was destitute and couldn't afford to replace his water heater...From what I hear that pissed him off because it was more like he was looking for a good deal on one rather than that he couldn't afford one.
Besides out of everything that happened or didn't happen if Papa could forgive her then it shouldn't have mattered to anyone else.
One more little rant... I absolutely hate the song "Wind beneath my wings". You are basically telling someone that you are much better than they could ever be but then trying to soften it by saying I wouldn't be the person I am without your support. I love Bette Midler though and all the rest of her songs including "Otis titsling"
Anyway now that I have Bette playing in the background I have Chemistry homework to get to.
My mom's memorial was this last weekend and it actually made me realize that there are members of my family that I loathe. My sister who didn't even bother showing up. Which was truly a good thing since her children who are all living with different family members want nothing to do with her. My aunt who every time I approached her during the service went the other way. For now let's just say that she said some words while my mother was dying and the only reason I didn't slap her face was because of my brother's feelings for her. My uncle who I can't decide if he is just a moron or if he feels that he is the only person that can be right. I refused to talk to him after he said the he hadn't told me something that he had. After that I sent my "demand" in writing.
I feel the worst for my grandmother. That same aunt that I wanted to slap turned all of her children, and nieces and nephews away from her with lies and half truths. Yes my grandmother divorced my grandfather (Papa) (this was after my mom's mental illness was diagnosed, I did mention that it can tear families apart.) Yes, the old lady started seeing her old boyfriend (I guess they were engaged before she married Papa). No she didn't "steal" all his money. Yes she kicked my aunt out of the house that Gma got in the divorce. Since the aunt wouldn't pay her rent I would have done the same thing. I also wouldn't take it upon myself to paint the house I was renting from somebody or tear out the fireplace and replace it with a wood stove, not without at least getting written permission.
Of course this is the same aunt that sent panicked letters out to everyone in the family (including those that were still young children) telling them that Papa was destitute and couldn't afford to replace his water heater...From what I hear that pissed him off because it was more like he was looking for a good deal on one rather than that he couldn't afford one.
Besides out of everything that happened or didn't happen if Papa could forgive her then it shouldn't have mattered to anyone else.
One more little rant... I absolutely hate the song "Wind beneath my wings". You are basically telling someone that you are much better than they could ever be but then trying to soften it by saying I wouldn't be the person I am without your support. I love Bette Midler though and all the rest of her songs including "Otis titsling"
Anyway now that I have Bette playing in the background I have Chemistry homework to get to.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My strongest memory of my mother
I think I always knew there was something wrong with my mother. I look back and the strongest memory that I have of her is her yelling at me and telling me I was going to hell and that god would never forgive me for what I had done. If I remember right I said the word "g*dDammit" I am sure this is also where my love/hate relationship with "the all powerful being" began. Recently I found out I had learned that lovely phrase from my Papa Ray (grandfather - her dad).
I don't know if it is normal to have dreams like I grew up with but they started young. I would have to ask my dad how old I was when we lived with my Grandpa Val but I know I had them then. I used to dream that like Hansel & Gretel she wanted to cook us children for dinner. I would dream that she was chasing after my brother, sister, and I with butcher knives and as the oldest it was my job to protect them. There were many variations on the dreams but the main theme in each one was that she was trying to kill us.
After talking to one of my grandmothers and one of my aunts who both said that they thought about trying to get custody of the three of us kids several times (and never did anything about it) I have to wonder about some things.
One: Since schizophrenia manifests as a teenager or young adult, how many of these dreams that I had were based on a child's interpretation of actual events? (She was undiagnosed until around the time I was 14.)
Two: Was what she was feeling similar to these women that actually do kill all of their children? (Susan Eubanks, Andrea Yates)
Three: If that is the case what stopped/interrupted her?
I do know that my entire life I felt (knew) that my mother resented my very existence. With that being so it is no wonder that we were never close.
My own daughter and I have our issues, mostly stemming from me being a single mother and trying to raise her to be more self-confident than I ever was. That and my own health issues. Even though mine is a disease of the brain it affects my health not my mind. That hasn't stopped her writing her own paper about how my disease has ruined her life.
Since the purpose of this blog is for my English 102 class and I am supposed to intelligently ramble about my subject that is what I am working towards.
At this point my research is on: Does chronic illness have to destroy a family? If you have a positive story about how it actually pulled a family closer together I would love to read it.
I really should have stayed in the Land of Nod just a little longer but since I woke up early I thought I would put the time to good use. Now to get the teenager out the door for school...
I don't know if it is normal to have dreams like I grew up with but they started young. I would have to ask my dad how old I was when we lived with my Grandpa Val but I know I had them then. I used to dream that like Hansel & Gretel she wanted to cook us children for dinner. I would dream that she was chasing after my brother, sister, and I with butcher knives and as the oldest it was my job to protect them. There were many variations on the dreams but the main theme in each one was that she was trying to kill us.
After talking to one of my grandmothers and one of my aunts who both said that they thought about trying to get custody of the three of us kids several times (and never did anything about it) I have to wonder about some things.
One: Since schizophrenia manifests as a teenager or young adult, how many of these dreams that I had were based on a child's interpretation of actual events? (She was undiagnosed until around the time I was 14.)
Two: Was what she was feeling similar to these women that actually do kill all of their children? (Susan Eubanks, Andrea Yates)
Three: If that is the case what stopped/interrupted her?
I do know that my entire life I felt (knew) that my mother resented my very existence. With that being so it is no wonder that we were never close.
My own daughter and I have our issues, mostly stemming from me being a single mother and trying to raise her to be more self-confident than I ever was. That and my own health issues. Even though mine is a disease of the brain it affects my health not my mind. That hasn't stopped her writing her own paper about how my disease has ruined her life.
Since the purpose of this blog is for my English 102 class and I am supposed to intelligently ramble about my subject that is what I am working towards.
At this point my research is on: Does chronic illness have to destroy a family? If you have a positive story about how it actually pulled a family closer together I would love to read it.
I really should have stayed in the Land of Nod just a little longer but since I woke up early I thought I would put the time to good use. Now to get the teenager out the door for school...
Life and Death
Welcome to my blog! I have never been fond of posting my personal thoughts for others to read. It always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. But what the heck life is short. I manage to piss my daughter off frequently and as long as I am honest and true to myself that is all I can strive for.
As I am typing this I am getting ready to head home this weekend for my mother's memorial. She passed away July 19th but I wanted to make sure that our entire family would be able to attend her service. I haven't designed the service to mourn her death but to celebrate her life. Mostly because I couldn't give her the support that I would have given to anyone else.
Looking at her family (brothers and sisters) and the way they dealt with my grandfathers death a couple years ago disgusted my brother and I and we agreed that her death would be treated with the dignity and respect that any person could want.
I was a teenager when my mom was diagnosed with mental illness. It seemed like the exact diagnosis changed quite often. The Dr's also couldn't agree on whether or not it was hereditary. Teenagers have enough issues without worrying about whether they are going to have a psychotic breakdown.
What I will be looking at during my research is the effects of chronic illness on family dynamics. In my family it tore everyone apart from my Grandparent's marriage to my Parent's marriage, to my fear of committing myself to any one person and my fear of ever letting my mother have a true relationship with her own granddaughter. There is more behind that last part but that is for later.
When I found out that my mother was terminal in July it actually took my daughter to remind me that I needed to forgive my mother for the things her illness caused her to do. Let's see if she can ever do that herself in the future.
Anyway enough for now I am off to the Land of Nod.
As I am typing this I am getting ready to head home this weekend for my mother's memorial. She passed away July 19th but I wanted to make sure that our entire family would be able to attend her service. I haven't designed the service to mourn her death but to celebrate her life. Mostly because I couldn't give her the support that I would have given to anyone else.
Looking at her family (brothers and sisters) and the way they dealt with my grandfathers death a couple years ago disgusted my brother and I and we agreed that her death would be treated with the dignity and respect that any person could want.
I was a teenager when my mom was diagnosed with mental illness. It seemed like the exact diagnosis changed quite often. The Dr's also couldn't agree on whether or not it was hereditary. Teenagers have enough issues without worrying about whether they are going to have a psychotic breakdown.
What I will be looking at during my research is the effects of chronic illness on family dynamics. In my family it tore everyone apart from my Grandparent's marriage to my Parent's marriage, to my fear of committing myself to any one person and my fear of ever letting my mother have a true relationship with her own granddaughter. There is more behind that last part but that is for later.
When I found out that my mother was terminal in July it actually took my daughter to remind me that I needed to forgive my mother for the things her illness caused her to do. Let's see if she can ever do that herself in the future.
Anyway enough for now I am off to the Land of Nod.
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